Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, DIVINE LOVE would have put you there. -Charles Spurgeon
I was supposed to have a baby today. But instead I am blogging away, with this little girl pummeling my poor rib cage.
The plan was for me to go in last night (Tuesday), get prepped with cirvedel, and deliver this morning with a bit of Pitocen aid. An hour before my husband and I were to leave the house, however, we got a call from the hospital saying that they didn’t have enough staff, and they needed to reschedule the induction for the next day (tonight).
I was utterly deflated, but found great therapeutic release via writing out my daughter’s name in watercolor pencil. My mom (who has been in town to bless our family) suggested we get our nails “did” and she and I headed out. So, instead of getting tucked away at the hospital, I got tucked into a massage chair for a deliciousmani-pedi. (Yes, my nails are quite cute!) After an awful nights sleep, working through a whining heart on account of Jesus not respecting my plans, we finally made it to this day- the NEW date to start evicting this baby!
Being that my sweet husband had taken the rest of the week off, we decided to redeem the “free” Wednesday morning/afternoon and go on a brunch date, with mom watching the kiddos. While we were enjoying sweet conversation, I got a phone call from the hospital. Mmhmm– they were calling to cancel. Again. And not just bumping me to the next night. No. They can’t take me until Sunday.
I made it gracefully through our meal, and my great guy took me out for retail therapy at Target. Yes, he loves me…! So here I am with cute toes, packed bags, no sleep, and watching the last minutes of my due date tick away.
And I’m trying to be ok with it.
And I’m forcing my mind to remember truth.
And I’m having a really hard time.
See, I feel most comfortable when I know what to expect. Even in a really tough, potentially worrisome situation, as long as I have a plan, I’m comfortable. If I know how to address a situation, and have people and logistics in place to make my family’s life as “normal” as possible, then I can rest.
But Jesus is breaking me.
“My thoughts are not your thoughts;
My ways are not your ways.”
And I know that we’re not supposed to anticipate the far-off future and say, “Next year I’ll go to such-and-such a place, and make money.” But we ARE called to be good stewards of our time, which means that we need to make plans based on what we understand to be where Jesus is leading us. I did that. And my plans are being broken.
So now I’m faced with examining my plans- where they evil or selfish or based on pride or somehow pitted against what Jesus has called me to? No… I don’t think so.
Was I not listening to what Jesus is leading me towards? Am I impatient? Am I doing something wrong? No… I don’t think so.
I honestly believe that everything that I put into place schedule-wise (planning for baby sitters, taking time off of work, prepping myself and my bags and my family and my friends, organizing our home for a new resident) was orchestrated with the proper heart.
Having the right attitude is not always the point. I’m not being punished for anything. I just happen to be in the midst of a learning experience.
Thinking how a while ago, my son had practiced his AWANA verses, got his bag in order, earned quarters to pay for dues, put on his vest and was ready to go at just the right time… Only for me to tell him he’d got the wrong day. He’s done everything right. But his schedule was off. And he had to learn that The Plan is fixed, even if he’s ready early. The Plan will not change because he wants it to change. He had to let his plan go, and continue doing the right thing, prepping for when The Plan was “now.”
And that’s me now. I know there’s a Perfect Plan, and I know that it somehow involves me and this baby and God’s Perfect Timing. And until that Plan is “now,” I must rest.
I must rest in Jesus’ timing.
I must rest in Jesus’ will.
I must rest in Jesus’ sovereignty.
I must rest in Jesus’ love for me.
I must rest in Jesus’ care over me.
I must rest in my limited understanding.
I must rest in my lack of premonition.
I must rest in the fact that life is hard, but God is good.
So I’m headed to bed now. I may very well go into spontaneous labor and have this baby in the morning! I could also toss and turn in my quite uncomfortable physical state all night. But this is what I know is true:
Jesus has specifically ordained this Perfect Plan for me.
And I will chose to rest in that.